Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Jumping the Megalodon

I asked Andrea to request a topic for a post.  She sent me the following video:

This is fantastic.  Andrea suggested I use it to write about bad special effects or maybe about how my favorite TV shows could hypothetically jump the shark but let's take a moment to appreciate the video itself.  That guy at 0:15 clearly never saw Titanic because you are most definitely not supposed to steal life preservers from women and children.  Chivalry is dead and in five seconds, so are you.  Blonde lady, that jerk just stole your life preserver so why are you upset that he dove directly into the Megalodon's mouth?  That seems like karma.  I'm pretty happy about it and I'm not even the one who got her flotation device poached.  Get mad.  Megalodon can swallow a raft of 6 adults without even chewing.  Megalodon is to humans/rafts/jet skis as my brother is to deviled eggs.

That being said.. Here are a few of my favorite TV shows and some suggestions as to how they might jump the shark:

Parks and Rec

The obvious:  Leslie and Ben have a baby.  April and Andy have a baby.  Ann and [name a male character on the show] have a baby.  I hate child actors.  I rarely appreciate their addition to one of my beloved TV shows.  Word of advice to show runners: feed these shark-jumper babies to Megalodon before they end your careers.

The not-so-obvious: Adam Scott takes a hiatus from the show to film Party Down: The Movie.  Leslie and Ben break up.  Leslie and Ron have sex.  I'm sure there are creepy fan fiction writers out there that have already played this scenario out in one of Ron's hand-carved canoes.  Gross.  Can you imagine if Mary Tyler Moore boned Ed Asner?  Gross.  FYI, fan fiction writers, your ideas are the worst.

30 Rock

The obvious: Liz and Jack sleep together and/or Liz has a baby.  

The not-so-obvious: Jack Donaghy announces that NBC is dissolving as a network.  The next day, it happens in real life.  There are worse things.


The obvious: Well, they fired Dan Harmon this week so imagine Fonzie on a Big Wheels clearing two Megalodons stacked on top of each other and that's pretty much the level of shark-jumping going on here.  You know how after Aaron Sorkin left The West Wing, we kept watching because it was still really good, but now when we re-watch the series every three to four months, we only re-watch the first four seasons because those were the ones that were actually really really good?  Well, kind of like the way we want to remember the fictional White House as Sorkin's fictional White House, we want to remember Greendale Community College as Harmon's Greendale Community College.

If you aren't a West Wing fan/don't re-watch the first four seasons every three to four months/don't have a girl crush on Allison Janney, here's another analogy:  Paula Deen has been baking cookies for you every Thursday for the last three years.  You try to share with your friends but most of them have heard that her cooking doesn't meet widely accepted health standards so they aren't interested.  A few of you indulge and after three years, you're obsessed with these cookies.  Every week you've gotten a different flavor, and never have your taste buds been disappointed.  Friday mornings you find yourself scouring the internet for other people talking about these cookies, analyzing them, praising them.  There are more of your kind out there, and you want six seasons and a movie three more years and a storefront.  This week, though, Dr. Greenblatt told you that you have to cut Paula Deen out of your life.  "Eating healthy will make you more popular, and friend ratings are important," Dr. Greenblatt tells you.  "You can still eat cookies but they're going to have to be sugar-free.  We want your friends to eat cookies with you and they'll agree to eat cookies as long as they're diet-friendly."  Oh my god, fuck those people.  I don't want friends.  Dr. Greenblatt continues, "And instead of baking cookies for you on Thursdays, we're going to deliver them to your apartment on Friday nights while you're out a bar with your friends.  It's part of the diet.  This way, we'll eventually wean you off cookies forever." OH MY GOD, I don't want friends, I don't want sugar-free cookies, I don't want to watch NBC's new fall line-up my weight.  I want Community Diabetes.

The not-so-obvious: Chevy Chase quits the show out of loyalty to his dear friend Dan Harmon.


The obvious: Hmm... this one is going to be tough but I'll take a stab at it.  Finn and Rachel get engaged?  Sue Sylvester gets pregnant?  They give Kurt the greatest American-flag-bandana-ensemble of all time and then give it an inexplicably insignificant amount of screen time?  Oh wait...  I'm a little behind on Glee - I've only seen up to the Whitney Houston tribute episode which I actually thought was pretty fantastic.  But other than that, you've sort of shit the bed this season, Glee.  Thanks for that shower scene featuring Darren Criss and Darren Criss's back, though.  We needed that.

The not-so-obvious: Artie walks.  It would still be less ridiculous than that mattress commercial.

Mad Men

The obvious: I really don't think it's possible for Matthew Weiner/Mad Men to jump the shark.  It's just too good.  Even the crazy stuff (the British guy's foot getting cut off by the lawn mower, Don's secret identity, Roger's LSD trip, etc) is brilliant.  I guess the only way for the show to bring on an untimely demise would be to fulfill the Don-falling-from-the-23rd-floor-of-SCDP prophecy because the show would obviously spill its guts all over Madison Avenue alongside Jon Hamm.  But that will not happen (until the series finale) so I'm not concerned.

The not-so-obvious: I'm a big fan of Mark Lisanti's theory that Sally Draper is a serial killer in the making so... Sally enlists Pete Campbell to help her push Don out the window of the 23rd floor of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce.  Then she stabs Pete in the stomach with Grandpa Gene's war helmet.  Glenn plants a lock of Betty's hair and a couple of Bugles at the scene of the crime.  

[ed. note: I received the following text from my brother tonight... "Response from dad after i called him a turd... T.U.R.D. The Utmost Righteous Dad"]

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