Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The Night I Had Fresh Baked Cookies Delivered to a Bar

My boss's birthday is tomorrow and we're surprising her with treats because she is awesome.  I volunteered to score the goods, and I found this place called Insomnia Cookies (please see this hyperlink and give me free M&M cookies 4 lyfe) that delivers cookies anytime between noon and 3:00 am.  #college  The delivery zone, however, posed a slight totally manageable problem in this plan to provide delicious baked goods.  According to their website, they don't deliver north of 14th (not an issue) or east of Avenue A (barely an issue).  Here is a basic transcript of the phone conversation between me and the Insomnia Cookies Man:

Me: Hi, I wanted to have cookies delivered tonight and I live on 14th and B which I realize is just outside your delivery zone but --
Insomnia Cookies Man: Yeah we can't deliver to you.  Sorry.
Me: Ok, but what if I went and stood on the corner of 14th and A..
Insomnia Cookies Man: No, we don't do that, ma'am.
P is for Percy
Me: Ok, so what if I hung out in a bar on 13th and A..
Insomnia Cookies Man: Sure. 

I'm in.

(For those of you who didn't already know this, Percy's Tavern is the greatest bar in the tristate area.  Also, I may or not be part owner and I may or may not be Percy.)

Obviously at this point, I had to do it for the story.  So when I got home, I placed my order for work as well as an unnecessary a completely necessary additional order for Carolyn and me, listed my address as 210 Avenue A (aka Percy's Tavern) and "convinced" Carolyn to come get a drink with me at Percy's so we could wait for the cookie delivery man to come.  And he did.  That's pretty much of the end of the story.  Except for the fact that the cookies were bombass.  The end.

Yeah I guess I like cookies.  Why do you ask?

Monday, March 26, 2012

Don Draper and Company Reacting to a Baby

At long last, Mad Men as returned.

The 2-hour long (thankyouthankyouthankyou) premiere gave us a glimpse into Roger's rocky marriage ("I tried to get Jane to speak French to me in that accent.  Nothing doing.  She doesn't speak French.  She doesn't like me." Roger with the ZING), Don's happy (?) marriage (bleh, boring, go back to being tormented), and of course... how the employees of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce react to a baby:

Babies? Fabulous!

K, whatever, over you... did her boobs get bigger?

Three months old and he doesn't drink scotch, huh?  Funny guy.

Oh my, I hope no one wonders why my baby has white hair.

Blimey! The little bugger just pooed his nappy, that he did!

Sticking my ass out? Check. Speaking in French? Check. K, is everybody looking at me now? Where's the mic?

Oh god no.. I haven't touched a baby since they made me wear a that fat suit for 6 months.

Impressive.. Do you work out?

So.. I heard we're competing for the same tits.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The Wrecking Crew

Carolyn and I have a few friends who collectively refer to ourselves as the Wrecking Crew.  Because when we go out together, destruction follows.  Also because we look like this.

I have a few additions I would like to nominate to join the Wrecking Crew.  These are people who on more than one twelve occasions I have emphatically demanded that I find and make my friend.

So Carolyn, Kim, Greg, and Kat.. I submit for your approval:

1. President Barack Obama

Obviously a top priority.  Recently, I had the opportunity to go on a tour of the West Wing (amazingamazingamazing), and while we were there, President Obama had to stop by to pick something up at the office before taking his daughters to basketball practice.  I didn't actually get to see him because we were ushered into a side hallway per security protocol, but I obviously still had to hold back from bursting into tears of excitement (hot mess).  Anyway, you always need a responsible friend in the crew, and I think this could be our guy.  He's a dad and the leader of the free world.  Done.

Also, he drinks Guinness, knows sign language, and watches The Wire so he's tri-winning all over the place and I like it.  Plus, there's this:

Pres. Obama being the man.  Me being a senior in high school (and a turd). 

I will make you your own deck if you let me call permanent
shotgun dibs for 3 AM motorcade trips to Taco Bell

2. Jay-Z

Once I've befriended President Obama and he's given me a tour of the Situation Room (not part of the West Wing tour, therefore remaining a. the holy grail of White House rooms and b. exactly as I pictured it based on my extensive viewing of The West Wing), he can introduce me to Jay-Z. This is how I know they've met.

Jay-Z will teach me how to wear sunglasses, and we'll rap "Encore" together after I'm drunk enough for that to be ok.

Fine, Kanye, you can come to Percy's too.
3. Aziz Ansari  

I cannot stress enough how important Aziz is to this crew.  He is the all-time, #1, must-be-my-friend piece to this puzzle.  The only reason he's #3 on the list is because I assume that going through President Obama, then Jay-Z, is the most logical way to make this meet-up happen.  I imagine that our introduction will go something like this:

Me: (failure to speak, probably already crying because I can't handle this kind of euphoria, going in for a hug but blacking out the last 10 seconds)
Aziz: Hey there... (getting out of the hug, trying to read the situation, looking for an exit just in case)
Me: We need to be friends.  Want to do a powerhour?
Aziz: YES.

The rest is history.  Future history.

Carolyn and I will be at his show at the Beacon Theater on June 16.  I will be stepping up my game to befriend him before then so that we can hang out in the VIP room with him and Jeremy Lin - also a potential wrecking crew candidate, useful for scoring free drinks from NY sports fans and reaching things on tall shelves at the grocery store - before the show.  Fellow Crew members (I'm looking at you: Kim, Greg, Kat, President Obama, and Jay-Z), please send me your ideas for this mission before our June 16 deadline so that we can all snuggle like bunnnniiieeessss with Aziz as soon as possible.  Think of how awesome that powerhour would be.  JUST TRY TO IMAGINE IT.  YOU CAN'T.

4. Taran Killam

Honestly, I just googled his name.  Until now I just knew him as this guy (slash my future husband):

I like the way you move.

5.  Cee-Lo

Cee-Lo has been on this list since we started watching #TheVoice but after the battle round phase of the show, I'm dangerously close to nixing him (don't worry Crew, I have a replacement nomination waiting in the wings.  And his name is Robin Thicke. #GuestJudgeSurpriseCoup).  Things I love about Cee-Lo: his jackets, his teeth, his voice, his sleazy interaction with girls that are infinity times prettier than him, his cat.  The past couple of weeks, though, he has disappointed me, and the Wrecking Crew is not accustomed to disappointment.  Please stop letting chumps through to the next round #JamieLonoWasRobbed.  (#TheVoice sidenote: does anyone else think Pip looks like a lesbian Daniel Radcliffe?  I like him, don't get me wrong, I'm juss sayin)

Get it together, Cee-Lo.  I want to push my button for you but if I have to hear Erin Martin make it through one more round, I sweartogod I will turn my rotating throne right back around.

6. Rembert Browne

This is it, Crew.  Ultimately, this whole operation boils down to Aziz and Rembert.  Incidentally, the latter snapped this picture at LCD Soundsystem's farewell concert.  STARS WERE ALIGNING.  WHERE WAS I?!?

I was introduced to Rembert Browne's writing through this article.  I was at work and actually cried from laughing (not even trying to fake productivity).  At this point, stop what you're doing and read everything Rembert has ever written.  Just don't even bother with the rest of this sentence.  Forget this blog exists.  Delete it from your web history.  Make Rembert's Grantland contributor page your homepage on Firefox and 500DaysAsunder your homepage on Safari.  Keep both browsers open at all times.  He currently writes for Grantland, but had a wordpress blog (already cooler than me) called 500 Days Asunder prior to that.  As most of you know, I sort of gave up on my blog experiment this past fall.  Reading Rembert's blog inspired me to pick it back up again.  His writing is smart, hilarious, and - most importantly - genuine.  I aspire to be as talented as him but in the meantime, I'd like to at least be as enthusiastic as him.  Also, reading his posts has exponentially increased my use of the word "swag."  Gold.

I assume you already read the Double Dare article.  If you didn't, I hope you can feel me radiating disappointment the way Mark Lyons radiates sexual heat.  Here are a few more reasons I need to be friends with Mr. Browne:

-- Because he brought in a trifold poster board for a presentation for his Columbia grad school class.
-- Because I've never been to Atlanta and I know I'll never find MJQ without him.
-- Because we're fans of the strikethrough
-- So I can thank him for writing this.  "I want to run away from NYC, but I can't.  Not yet.  On paper, I've made it here, but let me assure you I have not."  Yes. Yes. Yes.
-- Because sometimes we have the same ideas...
-- But usually he just has the best ideas.

I assume that hanging out with Rembert would involve drinking 40s on our roof, making cameos in music videos, and shopping at thrift stores for matching crew neck sweatshirts.

I. Can't. Wait.

So there you have it, Crew.  With your permission, let's start rounding up the inductees for Summer of Sangria.  See you there.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

My Homeless Roommate

The straps on my overnight bag broke today on my way out of work so my co-worker tied it to my body like a backpack. See below:

That's a drifter if I've ever seen one.
This is, by far, the most homeless thing I've done...today.

My friends and I have an ongoing joke about how I'm homeless. Homeless things I've done include, but aren't limited to, the following:

  • "Accidentally" stealing a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips from a supermarket in DC
  • Falling asleep on the floor of Penn Station
  • Dressing like this:
Far right, pictured with my non-homeless roommates
  • Opening a bag of Doritos from the wrong side and continuing to eat them from the bag that way
  • Dressing like this
  • (Almost) falling into a pile of trashbags
  • Inappropriately Enthusiastically cuddling with a dog named Levi which probably had alopecia (#mostlikelytohavebadfur) on the roof of our apartment building