Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Gainful Employment

Stats update: I now have 6 views in New Zealand and 3 in Spain.  Bienvenidos to the mix, ya'll.

For the past month, I've been burning the midnight oil at the office, so I haven't had much time for blogging, doing laundry, buying a hamper (yep, that still hasn't happened), etc.  The other day, my friend Andrea told me she had been watching a lot of Mad Men lately and a certain scene between Freddy Rumsen and Peggy Olsen reminded her of me..  Peggy is dating a guy and she's having trouble balancing work and her relationship.  She tells Freddy that she doesn't want to end up alone and he tells her she should work less.  Andrea then told me that I should work less and make "finding a guy" my new part-time job.  

Well.. right now I only have enough time for my full-time job - which I happen to really enjoy and can only hope will outlast all previous relationships in my dismal dating history - but let's take a minute to ponder what life would be like if I had a part-time job for which my only responsibility was finding a boyfriend.  

Here are a few things I would expense out (which reminds me... who reimburses me exactly?  Maybe the federal government?  So I don't end up a penniless spinster relying on welfare?):
  1. Haircuts every other week (rather than every 3 months/whenever something good comes up on Groupon)
  2. Manicures/Pedicures (I already mentioned the time I went out with the guy who told me I had calloused feet, right?)
  3. A PedEgg (just in case)
  4. Cooking/sewing classes (If my "job" is now finding a beau, I'm just assuming the earth un-orbited around the sun about 50 times)
  5. Makeup (although while I was applying makeup on the bus this morning, a woman told me I was pretty enough without it.  Then again, she was blowing her nose and then putting her used Kleenexes in the hood of her sweatshirt so she may not be the groomer I'm looking for.  Sidenote: I love riding the bus.)
  6. Personal trainer (doubles as a side-boyfriend)
  7. All purchases from Victoria's Secret (meow)
  8. Charm school (This would be beneficial to my real job too.  I still get to keep that one/maintain a sense of self-worth, right?)
  9. A hamper (I'm sneaking this one in on the company tab)
  10. Floss, toothpaste, shampoo, razors, soap, deodorant
  11. Botox injections in my armpits to prevent underarm sweat altogether
  12. The iPhone 5/monthly data plan (worth a try.. if not, I'll settle for the hamper)
  13. Vodka/Gin (pre-date liquid courage)
  14. Advil/coffee/egg sandwiches (post-date hangover corrective)

Cover letter

To Whom it May Concern:

I am applying for the position of girlfriend and would greatly appreciate the opportunity to spend time with you one-on-one in a social setting.  I am smart, personable, and I always give 110%.  For these reasons, I think I would be the perfect addition to your life.

While I do not have a great deal of girlfriend experience, I am a hard worker and fast learner, and my friends will attest that I am highly proficient in relationships as a whole.  I am well-mannered, kind, and your parents will adore me. 

I am highly motivated and goal-oriented, and I see the position of girlfriend as an opportunity to grow in my career.  I am always thinking toward the future, which I believe would be a real asset to our relationship as you mature over the next few years [aka becoming less interested in getting drunk with your bros and more interested in settling down and procreating].  I think that I could benefit from this partnership, as well, as I develop the commitment skills necessary to advance toward my ultimate goal of wife/life partner.

Thank you in advance for your consideration.  I look forward to hearing from you [not that I'm waiting by my phone for you to call.  I'm not one of those].



See my hypothetical OK Cupid profile for a resum√© of sorts.  

References available upon request.  These would include my boss, my roommate Carolyn, and the Kleenex lady from the bus this morning.

Salary requirements: Remembering my birthday, an apartment with a washer/dryer, the iPhone 5, fidelity.  Negotiable.

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