Sunday, July 17, 2011

Join other network...

Several days ago, I was in the deli next to my apartment buying an embarrassingly huge bottle of water which, coupled with my pajamas and lack of a bra, was very obviously hangover medicine.  I don't particularly give a blessed crap about these things but I noticed that there was an attractive man behind me purchasing a regular-sized bottle of water and was probably a little grossed out by my very presence.  I quickly exited the deli with my head down and as I fumbled through my purse for my keys, realized that the attractive normally-hydrated guy from the deli was standing behind me waiting to enter the building and ended up following me up the stairs and walking into the apartment literally across the hall from mine.  We shared an awkward laugh over this (and an unspoken agreement that I needed to shower) and it dawned on me that I don't know any of our neighbors.  I do, however, know the names of their wireless networks so here are the identities I've assigned them based on their Netgear aliases.  

Excellent Meat
3 jag-off Duke grads who work for Morgan Stanley, frequent the Village Pourhouse, decorated their apartment with Animal House and half-naked girl posters from college, and wear Lacoste polos.

Vag Pad
3 slutty ASU grads whom Excellent Meat collectively bones on Saturday nights in exchange for pancakes on Sunday mornings.  

 When asking for advice on how to get laid,
please consider his upper lip.
Looks like the nerd guru with the crustache from Freaks & Geeks.

I can't decide if this person is a hipster d-bag or if I kind of love him.  Since he spelled it "wuz," I think I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt.  Either way, he definitely looks like The Edge and sleeps on a futon.

Forget Banksywuzhere.  This person needs to be my best friend.  Immediately.  The Vag Pad has spent the last 3 months trying to deduce whether or not this is the real RuPaul.

Is actually best friends with RuPaul

This fuckin' guy? He rules.

This stands for “Joe Motherfuckin Pesci rules,” and my neighbor is Robert DeNiro.

Still refers to her father as "Daddy" and has a Blackberry covered in pink rhinestones (you should read her BBM convos.. sooooo much drama).  Only drinks vodka red bulls.  May or may not wear Juicy Couture tracksuits to brunch.

Hug me! I have puppies
in my panel van!
Lord Huggington
Stuffed animal.  Or child molester.  

Perv.  Probably friends with Lord Huggington.

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