Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Yep, You're the Worst.

I'm not feeling particularly inspired this evening but as I have a couple of friends in town this weekend, if I don't post tonight I won't post until Sunday, and I'd hate for all my loyal followers to think I've abandoned them.  Well, still just one loyal follower (thanks again, Nathan!  also, thanks for the phrase "softer than a curry shite." it's my new favorite) but a girl can dream!

Anypoop, as I wrapped up my four years at Notre Dame, on one particularly booze-fueled day during senior week, I sent the following text to a friend former friend:

Hi!  It's Mariel!  Just wanted to say go fuck yourself.  Yep, you're the worst.  Well, just wanted to get that off my chest before graduation.

Needless to say, this was detrimental to our friendship but instrumental in making me a texting legend.  So the phrase "yep, you're the worst" became part of our colloquial.  Now, since I don't have anything I'm itching to write about this evening, I'm just going to tell you a few other things that are the worst.

1) Penn Station.  Maybe it's because I associate it with my frustration to move out of my grandma's house when I was commuting from Long Island and saving up to live in the city.  Maybe it's because of the heartbreak that I felt one too many times upon running down the stairs, watching the train doors close, and waiting another 2 hours for the 3:19 am to Port Washington.  Maybe it's because once I missed the 3:19 am and woke up next to a homeless person without my shoes on.  Who knows?  It's the worst.  Period.

2) Balthazar Getty -- We've already talked about the fact that Balthazar Getty aka Tommy Walker is the devil but I just found out a little background info indicating failure is in his DNA.  His father J. Paul Getty III was kidnapped and held for a $3 million ransom in 1973.  J. Paul's grandfather (Balthazar's great-grandfather) was oil magnate Jean Paul Getty.  Jean Paul and his son insisted that the ransom was a hoax and refused to pay it.  They received JP III's hair and SEVERED EAR in the mail.  Is that proof enough for you, idiots?  Then, JP III gets married at the age of 18 and Jean Paul the Grandpa disinherits him for marrying too young!  JP found a girl who was ok with whispering sweet nothings into a gaping hole and seized the day... and now - after the trauma of getting Van Gogh'd by the Italian mafia - his dick of a grandpa takes away his inheritance.   I guess the gene for being the worst skips 2 generations because Balthazar seems like Jean Paul, Jr. to me.  P.S. Jean Paul probably would have disinherited Balthazar for that hideous eyebrow and his ineptitude at charades.

3) When uninformed people claim to have a political stance but are really just repeating what they've heard other people say so that they can keep up with things that really matter.. like the Kardashians.  I remember when President Obama was elected and my newsfeed was bombarded by 8th graders at my high school whining "Ughh can't w8 4 a socialist govermint."  You don't even know what that means.  And your parents are rednecks.  Also, if you're getting your news from The Onion, please never operate heavy machinery or donate to a sperm bank.

4)  Not having air conditioning in my apartment.  I'm sweating like Louie Anderson in the home stretch of a 5K charity walk.

Well, I'll leave you with that image.  Until next time, kiddos.

No comments:

Post a Comment