Most Likely to Tweet

I finally joined Twitter.  Please follow me: @PayWithHugs (#homeless)

My Homeless Roommate

The straps on my overnight bag broke today on my way out of work so my co-worker tied it to my body like a backpack. See below:

That's a drifter if I've ever seen one.

This is, by far, the most homeless thing I've done...today.

My friends and I have an ongoing joke about how I'm homeless. Homeless things I've done include, but aren't limited to, the following:

• "Accidentally" stealing a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips from a supermarket in DC
• Falling asleep on the floor of Penn Station
• Dressing like this:

Far right, pictured with my non-homeless roommates

• Opening a bag of Doritos from the wrong side and continuing to eat them from the bag that way
• Dressing like this
• (Almost) falling into a pile of trashbags
• Inappropriately Enthusiastically cuddling with a dog named Levi which probably had alopecia (#mostlikelytohavebadfur) on the roof of our apartment building

Do It Yourself

This is so turd-tastic that I don't even want to admit it (and that is coming from someone who just scored seasons 2 and 3 of Boy Meets World on DVD), but this evening I googled "DIY Halloween costumes."  

I found a site with the headline "7 Easy DIY Halloween Costumes Ideas Mother Nature Would Appreciate."  Below the headline, it reads "There is still time to make your own Halloween costume. Take a look at the list of eco-Halloween ideas I have gathered below. The costumes are made with recycled material and of themes Mother Nature would appreciate."

Check out #7 on this list:  Mother Nature

Well it was either this or my ghost costume from last year so...

A) wtf. Mother Nature is scarier than Global Warming.

B) Easy?  DIY?  I'm quoting the article here: there is still time to make your own Halloween costume.  No.  No, there will never be enough time to make this costume nor will there be enough time to explain to everyone at the Halloween party why you look like someone tried to make a May pole out of a dementor.

C) Can you buy a bee keeper mask, giant paper mache slugs, and stilts at CVS?

D) Is that part of a triceratops skeleton around its neck?  And if so, can I buy that at CVS?

E) If someone else shows up in the same costume, this really isn't going to be worth it.

Gainful Employment

Stats update: I now have 6 views in New Zealand and 3 in Spain.  Bienvenidos to the mix, ya'll.

For the past month, I've been burning the midnight oil at the office, so I haven't had much time for blogging, doing laundry, buying a hamper (yep, that still hasn't happened), etc.  The other day, my friend Andrea told me she had been watching a lot of Mad Men lately and a certain scene between Freddy Rumsen and Peggy Olsen reminded her of me..  Peggy is dating a guy and she's having trouble balancing work and her relationship.  She tells Freddy that she doesn't want to end up alone and he tells her she should work less.  Andrea then told me that I should work less and make "finding a guy" my new part-time job.  

Well.. right now I only have enough time for my full-time job - which I happen to really enjoy and can only hope will outlast all previous relationships in my dismal dating history - but let's take a minute to ponder what life would be like if I had a part-time job for which my only responsibility was finding a boyfriend.  

Here are a few things I would expense out (which reminds me... who reimburses me exactly?  Maybe the federal government?  So I don't end up a penniless spinster relying on welfare?):

1. Haircuts every other week (rather than every 3 months/whenever something good comes up on Groupon)
2. Manicures/Pedicures (I already mentioned the time I went out with the guy who told me I had calloused feet, right?)
3. A PedEgg (just in case)
4. Cooking/sewing classes (If my "job" is now finding a beau, I'm just assuming the earth un-orbited around the sun about 50 times)
5. Makeup (although while I was applying makeup on the bus this morning, a woman told me I was pretty enough without it.  Then again, she was blowing her nose and then putting her used Kleenexes in the hood of her sweatshirt so she may not be the groomer I'm looking for.  Sidenote: I love riding the bus.)
6. Personal trainer (doubles as a side-boyfriend)
7. All purchases from Victoria's Secret (meow)
8. Charm school (This would be beneficial to my real job too.  I still get to keep that one/maintain a sense of self-worth, right?)
9. A hamper (I'm sneaking this one in on the company tab)
10. Floss, toothpaste, shampoo, razors, soap, deodorant
11. Botox injections in my armpits to prevent underarm sweat altogether
12. The iPhone 5/monthly data plan (worth a try.. if not, I'll settle for the hamper)
13. Vodka/Gin (pre-date liquid courage)
14. Advil/coffee/egg sandwiches (post-date hangover corrective)

*****

Cover letter

To Whom it May Concern:

I am applying for the position of girlfriend and would greatly appreciate the opportunity to spend time with you one-on-one in a social setting.  I am smart, personable, and I always give 110%.  For these reasons, I think I would be the perfect addition to your life.

While I do not have a great deal of girlfriend experience, I am a hard worker and fast learner, and my friends will attest that I am highly proficient in relationships as a whole.  I am well-mannered, kind, and your parents will adore me. 

I am highly motivated and goal-oriented, and I see the position of girlfriend as an opportunity to grow in my career.  I am always thinking toward the future, which I believe would be a real asset to our relationship as you mature over the next few years [aka becoming less interested in getting drunk with your bros and more interested in settling down and procreating].  I think that I could benefit from this partnership, as well, as I develop the commitment skills necessary to advance toward my ultimate goal of wife/life partner.

Thank you in advance for your consideration.  I look forward to hearing from you [not that I'm waiting by my phone for you to call.  I'm not one of those].

Sincerely,

Mariel

*****

See my hypothetical OK Cupid profile for a resumé of sorts.  

References available upon request.  These would include my boss, my roommate Carolyn, and the Kleenex lady from the bus this morning.

Salary requirements: Remembering my birthday, an apartment with a washer/dryer, the iPhone 5, fidelity.  Negotiable.

Holler at me, Deutschland.

Well, once again I have failed to meet my posting-once-a-week pledge but in the meantime, I apparently passed the 1,000 page views mark - I just checked and it's at 1,111.

I used to be am secretly obsessed with checking my blog's stats.  Especially the traffic sources section.  Google searches of both "phil collins hour of power" and "phil collins and the hour of power" have routed people to my little cyber soapbox.  I have a feeling Phil Collins is a televangelist and his hour of power involves twelve apostles rather than sixty shots of beer, but either way, it all boils down to a groovy kind of love, right?  "Paul Schneider" also redirected someone to my site.  I like to think that it was Paul Schneider Googling himself to check out his star meter on IMDB.  Come to think of it, I look at this "stats" tab on my Blogspot homepage as kind of like my pre-IMDB star meter.  Especially because when I write this blog, I pretend as if more than just my brother, a few friends, and my roommate's mom read it.  Oh yeah, I had big plans for this blog.  I was so concerned about protecting my identity that I literally created a separate email address (mostlikelytohavebadhair@gmail.com) to set it up so that there was no way of tracing it to my name.  #7FollowersTotal.  

Oh, here's my favorite Google search stat.  TWO different people have been led to my blog by searching "guy looks like satan."  Did you mean balthazar getty? I know I talked about a guy looking like the baby Satan from Passion of the Christ once, but I have a feeling it just took them right to this picture.

My next favorite tab?  Pageviews by country.  Let's check out where I have been spreading good will across the globe.  You're welcome, America.

I took this picture of my cousin when we were in Berlin.
Most likely to be an ausfahrt.  Am I right, Germany? Eh?

United States: 1,060.

Ireland: 28.  Thanks, Nathan.

Germany: 14.  Danke!  I went to Berlin last year and it was pretty fantastic.  Also, thanks for inventing Advent calendars.  And hot dogs.  You made my childhood.

Denmark: 3.  Thanks, Julie.

Netherlands: 2.  I assume you took your queue from Denmark.

Romania: 2.  To be honest, until junior high I thought you were a made-up country where Bunnicula came from.

United Kingdom: 1.  You speak English, and Germany has 13 on you.  And you call yourself an ally?

Portugal: 1.  Paul Schneider is shooting on location.

Seriously, though, whoever is reading this in Germany, please tell me how you found this blog.  I promise I will cheer for you in the next World Cup.

****

Sidenote to all my loyal followers out there, I have a Lucy-fer update.  My uncle went out of town and asked me to take care of her.  I immediately had visions of her strapping me to the roof of the apartment building, duct taping a lightning rod to my mouth, and then dialing her friend Satan to request he redirect the next tropical storm to the Upper East Side.  I politely declined, explaining that things were busy at work, and apparently the rest of my family did the same, so asked one of his parishioners to take care of her.  I guess Lucy could sense that the woman who volunteered was trying to perform some sort of service for the Church and consequently decided to go into full anti-Christ mode, because evidently the woman called my uncle within the first 24 hours to say that she couldn't handle it, and now my other uncle is taking care of her.

****

Ok, Cupid.. Do Your Worst.

This is who runs my love life.

In my romantic history, I've really picked some winners.  A guy once told me I had calloused feet and short arms.  Once I went on a date with a guy who started sucking my face in the middle of a bar on a Sunday night and when I asked to be taken home, he took me to "hang out" in a desolate park in Sea Cliff, Long Island instead.  I made it out alive and learned my lesson not to go out with guys who are in your phone as "Chris from the Train."  That's what they'll call him on CNN too.

Everyone I know has an OK Cupid profile, but I have been hesitant to join.  Maybe I am as old school as my dad when it comes to the internet but I guess I still associate online dating with the stigma of being desperate, maybe because it reminds me of a former co-worker (she had Lloyd Christmas bangs and sounded like a member of the Addams family) who met her husband (all I remember is a Super Mario brothers moustache) via an online dating site, and she always shared way too much about her middle-aged love life.

Given the fact that my dating life right now is about as eventful as if I walked around wearing a sandwich board reading "I HAVE A BALD SPOT AND GONORRHEA" (only one of those is true), I have entertained the thought of possibly possibly hopping on the OK Cupid bandwagon shame train.

Here is my how I imagine I would construct this hypothetical profile:

First of all, apparently on Ok Cupid you are allowed to feature three pictures.  Choose wisely.  No one really cares about anything else in your profile besides these three pictures.  Let's be real.. Before actually sending you a message, they are going to look long and hard at these to determine whether or not you are at least 80% as attractive as you were four years ago when the best three pictures of your life were taken.  Here are the three I would choose:

Hey guys.  Look who's online.  Right now.

Laying all the cards out on the table.  Also, my face doesn't look awful.  Unlike here...

In case I don't lose the baby weight.. I've given fair warning.

Favorite books: [Honestly?  Harry Potter, anything by Jonathan Safran Foer or Dave Eggers, and.. does TV count as books?  Ughhhh fine, for the purpose of impressing my soul mate? ...]  A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, Catcher in the Rye, and Atlas Shrugged.  I haven't even read the last two.

Favorite movies: [Lies]

Favorite music: [More lies]

Interests: Ghost hunting, impressing your mom, powerhours

Looking for: Someone normal.  I'll settle for a free dinner.

Not Your Best Work.

Hey, I'm back.

You know that feeling when you get out of the shower and realize you were supposed to shave your legs and you've already dried off and you debate whether it's worth getting back in the shower or just wearing pants again for the next couple of days and ultimately you decide on the pants...?  Well, I've had a draft of a blog sitting around for the past 10 days.  I wear pants often.

I'm scrapping the draft because I re-read it and it was shit.  And my brother told me my last post "wasn't my best work" so the pressure is on.  Apparently I did not quite meet the caliber of writing expected by a kid who literally didn't speak normal English language until he was almost 3 years old.  He sounded like Donnie from the Wild Thornberrys, I kid you not.

So, in order not to disappoint my brother, I will not blog tonight because I'm super tired, but you have my word that tomorrow night, I will return to my former glory.

Here's a video that I re-watched yesterday and it never ceases to make me laugh:

See you on the flip flop.