Jumping the Megalodon

I asked Andrea to request a topic for a post.  She sent me the following video:

This is fantastic.  Andrea suggested I use it to write about bad special effects or maybe about how my favorite TV shows could hypothetically jump the shark but let's take a moment to appreciate the video itself.  That guy at 0:15 clearly never saw Titanic because you are most definitely not supposed to steal life preservers from women and children.  Chivalry is dead and in five seconds, so are you.  Blonde lady, that jerk just stole your life preserver so why are you upset that he dove directly into the Megalodon's mouth?  That seems like karma.  I'm pretty happy about it and I'm not even the one who got her flotation device poached.  Get mad.  Megalodon can swallow a raft of 6 adults without even chewing.  Megalodon is to humans/rafts/jet skis as my brother is to deviled eggs.

That being said.. Here are a few of my favorite TV shows and some suggestions as to how they might jump the shark:


Parks and Rec

The obvious:  Leslie and Ben have a baby.  April and Andy have a baby.  Ann and [name a male character on the show] have a baby.  I hate child actors.  I rarely appreciate their addition to one of my beloved TV shows.  Word of advice to show runners: feed these shark-jumper babies to Megalodon before they end your careers.

The not-so-obvious: Adam Scott takes a hiatus from the show to film Party Down: The Movie.  Leslie and Ben break up.  Leslie and Ron have sex.  I'm sure there are creepy fan fiction writers out there that have already played this scenario out in one of Ron's hand-carved canoes.  Gross.  Can you imagine if Mary Tyler Moore boned Ed Asner?  Gross.  FYI, fan fiction writers, your ideas are the worst.

30 Rock

The obvious: Liz and Jack sleep together and/or Liz has a baby.  

The not-so-obvious: Jack Donaghy announces that NBC is dissolving as a network.  The next day, it happens in real life.  There are worse things.

Community

The obvious: Well, they fired Dan Harmon this week so imagine Fonzie on a Big Wheels clearing two Megalodons stacked on top of each other and that's pretty much the level of shark-jumping going on here.  You know how after Aaron Sorkin left The West Wing, we kept watching because it was still really good, but now when we re-watch the series every three to four months, we only re-watch the first four seasons because those were the ones that were actually really really good?  Well, kind of like the way we want to remember the fictional White House as Sorkin's fictional White House, we want to remember Greendale Community College as Harmon's Greendale Community College.

If you aren't a West Wing fan/don't re-watch the first four seasons every three to four months/don't have a girl crush on Allison Janney, here's another analogy:  Paula Deen has been baking cookies for you every Thursday for the last three years.  You try to share with your friends but most of them have heard that her cooking doesn't meet widely accepted health standards so they aren't interested.  A few of you indulge and after three years, you're obsessed with these cookies.  Every week you've gotten a different flavor, and never have your taste buds been disappointed.  Friday mornings you find yourself scouring the internet for other people talking about these cookies, analyzing them, praising them.  There are more of your kind out there, and you want six seasons and a movie three more years and a storefront.  This week, though, Dr. Greenblatt told you that you have to cut Paula Deen out of your life.  "Eating healthy will make you more popular, and friend ratings are important," Dr. Greenblatt tells you.  "You can still eat cookies but they're going to have to be sugar-free.  We want your friends to eat cookies with you and they'll agree to eat cookies as long as they're diet-friendly."  Oh my god, fuck those people.  I don't want friends.  Dr. Greenblatt continues, "And instead of baking cookies for you on Thursdays, we're going to deliver them to your apartment on Friday nights while you're out a bar with your friends.  It's part of the diet.  This way, we'll eventually wean you off cookies forever." OH MY GOD, I don't want friends, I don't want sugar-free cookies, I don't want to watch NBC's new fall line-up my weight.  I want Community Diabetes.

The not-so-obvious: Chevy Chase quits the show out of loyalty to his dear friend Dan Harmon.

Glee

The obvious: Hmm... this one is going to be tough but I'll take a stab at it.  Finn and Rachel get engaged?  Sue Sylvester gets pregnant?  They give Kurt the greatest American-flag-bandana-ensemble of all time and then give it an inexplicably insignificant amount of screen time?  Oh wait...  I'm a little behind on Glee - I've only seen up to the Whitney Houston tribute episode which I actually thought was pretty fantastic.  But other than that, you've sort of shit the bed this season, Glee.  Thanks for that shower scene featuring Darren Criss and Darren Criss's back, though.  We needed that.

The not-so-obvious: Artie walks.  It would still be less ridiculous than that mattress commercial.

Mad Men

The obvious: I really don't think it's possible for Matthew Weiner/Mad Men to jump the shark.  It's just too good.  Even the crazy stuff (the British guy's foot getting cut off by the lawn mower, Don's secret identity, Roger's LSD trip, etc) is brilliant.  I guess the only way for the show to bring on an untimely demise would be to fulfill the Don-falling-from-the-23rd-floor-of-SCDP prophecy because the show would obviously spill its guts all over Madison Avenue alongside Jon Hamm.  But that will not happen (until the series finale) so I'm not concerned.

The not-so-obvious: I'm a big fan of Mark Lisanti's theory that Sally Draper is a serial killer in the making so... Sally enlists Pete Campbell to help her push Don out the window of the 23rd floor of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce.  Then she stabs Pete in the stomach with Grandpa Gene's war helmet.  Glenn plants a lock of Betty's hair and a couple of Bugles at the scene of the crime.  

[ed. note: I received the following text from my brother tonight... "Response from dad after i called him a turd... T.U.R.D. The Utmost Righteous Dad"]

Strangers with Candy

Well, I'm waiting for my roommate to get home so we can watch the Glee NEW YORK finale together (he saw Trouty Mouth at Topshop when they were filming here.. ZOMG!!) so just thought I'd share a fun story about a spontaneous little experience I had on my way home from work.

I have always wanted to try out the Chocolate Library on St. Mark's Place and Avenue A, so I offered to pick up a gift for a client on my way home from work so that I could check it out.  The sign outside said there was a free chocolate tasting which, as I expected, just meant there were some pieces of chocolate by the register.  Whatevs.  I explained my purpose to the store owner and he helped me pick out a couple of nice chocolate arrangements for our client (and let me try the caramel and sea salt brownie chocolate truffles since my fat ass was "on the fence" about them).  Done.  As I'm paying, he asks me what kind of chocolate I would buy if I was shopping for myself.  I said I like coconut at which point he reaches under the counter (he's the Jamaican Willy Wonka) and hands me a bar of Indian coconut curry chocolate.  Umm.. yes please.  He asks if I'm in a hurry and when I say no, he brings me over to a table in the middle of the store and goes to the back, returning with a box of Belgian truffles.  2 other women walk in and he asks them to join.  He tells us to each pick a truffle and goes to the back office.  I pick a champagne truffle (delish) and one of the other women stupidly picked one that was just a remaining half.  "I wonder if someone already bit into this or cut it in half? Oh well!"  Mmm, yeah don't worry. No one in the East Village has hepatitis.  

Byron, our store owner friend, returns with 2 Woodchuck hard ciders and 4 wine glasses.  "Sorry, but we're going to have to go on a wine run later."  Later?  Is this a date?  I went on a date with a guy I met on the Long Island Railroad and, after suddenly mauling my face with his mouth in the middle of a dive bar in Sea Cliff, he tried to take me into a desolate park at 10:30 on a Sunday night so this sounds like the start of a date I would find myself on.  

No books on those shelves.. just chocolate. 

Anywho.. after singing the praises of my champagne Neuhaus Belgian truffle, I ask Byron which is his favorite of this glorious box.  He then says that last night after smoking some organic cigarettes, he polished off most of that box (yeah, sweetie, I don't think he used a sterile knife to cut that truffle in half while he was satisfying the munchies), and he seems to think that the cognac ones were his favorite but who knows!  He also created and sells an educational board game about wine (which, according to the Toy Industry (is that an official organization?)/Byron, is the only board game that offers a complete education on a single subject.  What a renaissance man!  He is blowing Chris from the LIRR out of the water right now.  

Alas, though, they're moving to a new location.  Just when I've made a friend with chocolate benefits in the neighborhood :(  After finishing my hard cider and playing Vitti Vino for a few rounds, I bid them adieu.  And now I will bid you all adieu as well because my roommate is home and he and I have to get our Glee on.  Later kids.

Where the Kisses are His and His and Hers

In case you didn't notice, I updated the page design.  I ripped the picture off some girl's Hipstamatic-heavy tumblr blog, but it tiled well so I'm going for it.

I was in New Jersey/Long Island this weekend for a family wedding so I haven't been around the apartment since I left early Friday morning.  Upon my return this afternoon, I decided it's time to blog about the delicate living dynamics of a 2-month Craigslist sublet.  I'm in a 3-bedroom apartment, and my 2 roommates are gay males a year or two older than me.  When I first told my parents I had found an apartment, my dad started singing the Three's Company theme song..  although that was 2 straight girls and 1 straight guy who was just pretending to be gay and is not really similar to my living situation at all.  Unless my dad is suggesting that I'm a lesbian pretending to be straight which I guess would mean the sexual orientations/sexes of our corresponding characters are just reversed.  Whatever, I don't think Three's Company was even set in New York.

So like I said, I have 2 roommates.  I will protect their identities with fake names.  I will call them Greg and Drew.  I get along with Greg best because I see him the most often since we have similar work schedules.  I really enjoy talking to him, and he has cool friends with names like Amadeus.  I've decided we're going to be best friends.  Drew works nights so I don't see him as often.  He kind of looks like Woody from Toy Story but younger (yes, I'm saying he looks younger than a doll) and replace the cowboy hat and flannel with a Deep V and seersucker shorts.

This could be us :(

I like Drew as well but sometimes I feel like I'm having a hard time getting him to warm up to me.  He seems to like me but that could just be in comparison to how much he hates the girl I'm renting from - we'll call her Emily.  One morning he broke one of Greg's coffee mugs and apologized saying he wished it was Emily's Bat Mizvah mug.  Bitchy/awesome comments like this make me even more determined to make him my friend.

Oddly enough, Drew is a Craigslist find too (Emily and Greg went to college together).  But now that I'm the newbie, Drew seems to have taken this opportunity to pass the rando crown onto me.  And he's really driving the point home.  When the three of us are hanging out, he starts off his comments by addressing Greg.  Weird.  It's an awkward transition living with people you don't know, especially when it's a temporary situation.  Am I supposed to just hang out in my room?  Can I have friends over in the common space?  Are we supposed to all hang out together?  I'm not sure if I'm an awesome roommate because I'm not around much or if I'm a disappointing roommate because I'm not around enough.  Are they secretly longing to be my best friend, too?  Is Drew just acting out because deep down he wants us to snuggle on the couch and Sporcle?  Greg suggested we all go out for drinks and karaoke a night.. When we brought this up to Drew, he basically pretended we hadn't said anything and then started talking to Greg about the Real Housewives of New York.  Why won't you be my friend?!?  I cleaned the shower AND defended you when Greg told you he wouldn't let you in the apartment wearing tank tops from the boys' department at Macy's.  PLEASE LIKE ME.

Last week, we stumbled upon a common denominator that the 3 of us could have a lively conversation about: Glee.  Of course - why didn't I think of that?!  Even though I do like Rachel, I pretended to hate her too because I was reveling in this roommate bonding.  Matthew Morrison's status as a seasoned veteran makes him less likeable?  Sure!  Whatever you say!  Can we be Facebook friends now?!  We even watched a sneak peek of the Fleetwood Mac episode and claimed which characters we would want to be.  It was wonderful.  I thought I had struck gold.  A few days later when I came home, I told Greg that I'd caught up on this week's episode and we started discussing it.  Drew came out of his room, and when he heard what we were talking about he said "Didn't we just have this conversation the other day?"  Balls.  While I thought that our Gleek status was going to be the cornerstone of our budding friendship, apparently he considered that a one-time conversation that could be buried in the unimportant common interest cemetery along with meatless diets and spray tan experiences.

Well, I've been holed up in my room writing this, being a Craigslist leper, and am now going to Netflix Good Will Hunting Easy A and go to bed.  G'night loves.