Tell me if you see anything unusual in this screen grab from my Facebook homepage this evening (click to enlarge). I'll give you a hint: it has nothing to do with Duane Reade.
It's the title of this post. Just give up.
That's right. According to Facebook, people I may know include Nathan Thomas, friends with Anthony P. G. Berger, and Joe Rogan, host of Fear Factor. Obviously I clicked on Mr. Rogan immediately because this sparked my interest. Do I have a mutual friend with Joe Rogan? Here is what I found:
Do you know Joe?
8 friends?! You hosted a show where people won trips to Las Vegas based on how many inches of cow rectum they were willing to digest on national TV and I literally have 719 more Facebook friends than you. Congratulations, Joe. Evidently friends are not a factor for you. You must be the most miserable human to interact with face-to-face. When your friends want to hang out, do you make them walk barefoot through a tank of hypodermic needles and then feed them a pizza topped with coagulated blood and giraffe tongues? Is that why you're so lonely? Good lord, that gig messed you up.
Aside from your Fear Factor psychological trauma, though.. UFC (Color Commentator)? Seriously? You get ONE line from the resume that goes on your Facebook page and you're going with UFC Color Commentator rather than Fear Factor or NewsRadio? No wonder Brooke Burns won't accept your friend request. You are the Balthazar Getty of reality show hosts.
Given the fact that we have zero mutual friends and that this is clearly a fake Facebook account, I am curious as to why Facebook has suggested that we know each other. Has Facebook been pushing Joe Rogan on anyone else? Please let me know. I'm probably going to lose 12 minutes of sleep over this once I'm done writing this post.
When you say "recently added," Netflix, how recent are we talking? Because if it was more than 34 minutes ago, I demand to know why I did not receive an emergency call/text/email/carrier pigeon, a broadcast from the Oval Office, as well as a visit from the ghost of Jim Henson himself to announce this beautiful, beautiful news. And what's even better is that other programs from the T.G.I.F. Hall of Fame can't be far behind. It's like the gods of instant watch heard my prayer this morning and were like, "Yeah, Mariel. We hear you. And we're working on Family Matters too. But it's time to unleash Dinosaurs as a reminder that YOU CAN THANK US IT'S FRIDAY, BITCH." Thank you, gods of Netflix, for sending us your only T.G.I.F. program (for now), leading us not into boredom, and delivering us from Qwikster. Amen.
When I found out Aaron Sorkin was writing a new TV show for HBO, I was pumpedthis excited. Seasons 1-4 of The West Wing constitute maybe absolutely some of the most perfect television ever. I've re-watched the series more times than I can count. I have to buy a replacement disc for Season 2 because I wore out the disc with "Two Cathedrals" on it. I spent a year of my Notre Dame education writing a thesis about it. I'm a fan.
That being said, I went into The Newsroom with an open mind. I heard a few lukewarm reviews today, so I watched the premiere tonight without expecting to love it. I, however, thought it was fantastic and can't wait to see what they have in store for the rest of the season. Say what you will about Aaron Sorkin as a person, but as a writer, he is simply brilliant. Off to a good start on this one, Mr. Sorkin.
Here are a few of my thoughts in no particular order:
- The opening was a little preachy. I watched the trailer no less than 12 times in the weeks leading up to the premiere, and I was pretty psyched about Jeff Daniels's rant culminating in "When you ask what makes us the greatest country in the world, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Yosemite?" In the episode, though, this doesn't immediately cut to the West-Wing-esque opening credits. Instead, he slows his roll a little bit and continues on, saying we used to be the greatest country in the world and still could be if we had an informed electorate and so on and so forth. Ok, sure, this sets up the concept of the show: let's make the news great again. And yes, Sorkin totally sells that idealistic Capra-corn and I eat that shit up for breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack, and dinner. But Daniels/Sorkin definitely speak with a rose-colored lenses view of American history, nostalgic for the "good old days," whenever those were. Come on, Sorkin. I expect more from you (not from him).
Jim Harper
And he tells his audience of college students that we're the worst period generation period ever period. Rude. Also, wrong. Especially because his "senior producer" who saves his ass by the end of the episode is most definitely part of that generation. He looks like he's 26. And he's a senior producer. And he has an anonymous, exclusive source for every piece of breaking news. Not the worst.
- The aforementioned Doogie Howser senior producer is named Jim Harper, and I'm gonna love this guy. He's like Josh Lyman meets Jim Halpert meets Mark Lyons. I know what you're thinking. That's a lot of sexual heat. But what can I say, it's HBO.
- Sam Waterston dropping f-bombs makes great TV. Sam Waterston shouting at a grown man that he will kick the shit out of him, no matter how many protein bars he eats, makes excellent TV. Sam Waterston putting on his jacket like this would make the best TV. Take notes, Sorkin.
- Emily Mortimer is a B.O.S.S. CJ Cregg was arguably the strong female character on The West Wing (barring guest characters like Amy Gardner) and certainly the only one that ended up in a true position of authority. And even that was well after Sorkin had left the show, and she still wasn't the boss boss (she was promoted to Chief of Staff in the sixth season). Sorkin is making progress, though.. Because even though Mortimer's week-to-week contract is in Daniels' hands, as his EP, he has to do what she says for one hour every day. Baby steps, Sorkin. Now let's work on easing up on the ladies-love-shopping jokes.
- Allison Pill is a gem. On TWW, it took seven years for Donna Moss to get a promotion. Pill got promoted twice in the first episode and Jeff Daniels learned her name. Get it, girl. Let Emily Mortimer take you shopping. You've earned it.
- Dev Patel aka Neil aka Punjab aka the IT guy: Also a gem. I hope he starts dating the President's daughter.
- Can we make sure Oliver Platt gets a recurring guest role on this show?
- A big huzzah for the lack of clown music during the closing credits. #TheWestWing'sOnlyFlaw. But seriously, go to 0:39. It's the boner killer of television scores.
I asked Andrea to request a topic for a post. She sent me the following video:
This is fantastic. Andrea suggested I use it to write about bad special effects or maybe about how my favorite TV shows could hypothetically jump the shark but let's take a moment to appreciate the video itself. That guy at 0:15 clearly never saw Titanic because you are most definitely not supposed to steal life preservers from women and children. Chivalry is dead and in five seconds, so are you. Blonde lady, that jerk just stole your life preserver so why are you upset that he dove directly into the Megalodon's mouth? That seems like karma. I'm pretty happy about it and I'm not even the one who got her flotation device poached. Get mad. Megalodon can swallow a raft of 6 adults without even chewing. Megalodon is to humans/rafts/jet skis as my brother is to deviled eggs.
That being said.. Here are a few of my favorite TV shows and some suggestions as to how they might jump the shark:
Parks and Rec
The obvious: Leslie and Ben have a baby. April and Andy have a baby. Ann and [name a male character on the show] have a baby. I hate child actors. I rarely appreciate their addition to one of my beloved TV shows. Word of advice to show runners: feed these shark-jumper babies to Megalodon before they end your careers.
The not-so-obvious: Adam Scott takes a hiatus from the show to film Party Down: The Movie. Leslie and Ben break up. Leslie and Ron have sex. I'm sure there are creepy fan fiction writers out there that have already played this scenario out in one of Ron's hand-carved canoes. Gross. Can you imagine if Mary Tyler Moore boned Ed Asner? Gross. FYI, fan fiction writers, your ideas are the worst.
30 Rock
The obvious: Liz and Jack sleep together and/or Liz has a baby.
The not-so-obvious: Jack Donaghy announces that NBC is dissolving as a network. The next day, it happens in real life. There are worse things.
Community
The obvious: Well, they fired Dan Harmon this week so imagine Fonzie on a Big Wheels clearing two Megalodons stacked on top of each other and that's pretty much the level of shark-jumping going on here. You know how after Aaron Sorkin left The West Wing, we kept watching because it was still really good, but now when we re-watch the series every three to four months, we only re-watch the first four seasons because those were the ones that were actually really really good? Well, kind of like the way we want to remember the fictional White House as Sorkin's fictional White House, we want to remember Greendale Community College as Harmon's Greendale Community College.
If you aren't a West Wing fan/don't re-watch the first four seasons every three to four months/don't have a girl crush on Allison Janney, here's another analogy: Paula Deen has been baking cookies for you every Thursday for the last three years. You try to share with your friends but most of them have heard that her cooking doesn't meet widely accepted health standards so they aren't interested. A few of you indulge and after three years, you're obsessed with these cookies. Every week you've gotten a different flavor, and never have your taste buds been disappointed. Friday mornings you find yourself scouring the internet for other people talking about these cookies, analyzing them, praising them. There are more of your kind out there, and you want six seasons and a movie three more years and a storefront. This week, though, Dr. Greenblatt told you that you have to cut Paula Deen out of your life. "Eating healthy will make you more popular, and friend ratings are important," Dr. Greenblatt tells you. "You can still eat cookies but they're going to have to be sugar-free. We want your friends to eat cookies with you and they'll agree to eat cookies as long as they're diet-friendly." Oh my god, fuck those people. I don't want friends. Dr. Greenblatt continues, "And instead of baking cookies for you on Thursdays, we're going to deliver them to your apartment on Friday nights while you're out a bar with your friends. It's part of the diet. This way, we'll eventually wean you off cookies forever." OH MY GOD, I don't want friends, I don't want sugar-free cookies, I don't want to watch NBC's new fall line-up my weight. I want Community Diabetes.
The not-so-obvious: Chevy Chase quits the show out of loyalty to his dear friend Dan Harmon.
Glee
The obvious: Hmm... this one is going to be tough but I'll take a stab at it. Finn and Rachel get engaged? Sue Sylvester gets pregnant? They give Kurt the greatest American-flag-bandana-ensemble of all time and then give it an inexplicably insignificant amount of screen time? Oh wait... I'm a little behind on Glee - I've only seen up to the Whitney Houston tribute episode which I actually thought was pretty fantastic. But other than that, you've sort of shit the bed this season, Glee. Thanks for that shower scene featuring Darren Criss and Darren Criss's back, though. We needed that.
The obvious: I really don't think it's possible for Matthew Weiner/Mad Men to jump the shark. It's just too good. Even the crazy stuff (the British guy's foot getting cut off by the lawn mower, Don's secret identity, Roger's LSD trip, etc) is brilliant. I guess the only way for the show to bring on an untimely demise would be to fulfill the Don-falling-from-the-23rd-floor-of-SCDP prophecy because the show would obviously spill its guts all over Madison Avenue alongside Jon Hamm. But that will not happen (until the series finale) so I'm not concerned.
The not-so-obvious: I'm a big fan of Mark Lisanti's theory that Sally Draper is a serial killer in the making so... Sally enlists Pete Campbell to help her push Don out the window of the 23rd floor of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce. Then she stabs Pete in the stomach with Grandpa Gene's war helmet. Glenn plants a lock of Betty's hair and a couple of Bugles at the scene of the crime.
[ed. note: I received the following text from my brother tonight... "Response from dad after i called him a turd... T.U.R.D. The Utmost Righteous Dad"]
One of the things I look forward to each week after watching Mad Men is reading Grantland's Mad Men Power Rankings and recaps. This weekend I watched the episode from two weeks ago, and in one of the recaps Mark Lisanti says he can't wait for a "What Don Draper Saw at the Bottom of the Elevator Shaft" meme. Here are a few of my theories:
The 2-hour long (thankyouthankyouthankyou) premiere gave us a glimpse into Roger's rocky marriage ("I tried to get Jane to speak French to me in that accent. Nothing doing. She doesn't speak French. She doesn't like me." Roger with the ZING), Don's happy (?) marriage (bleh, boring, go back to being tormented), and of course... how the employees of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce react to a baby:
Babies? Fabulous!
K, whatever, over you... did her boobs get bigger?
Three months old and he doesn't drink scotch, huh? Funny guy.
Oh my, I hope no one wonders why my baby has white hair.
Blimey! The little bugger just pooed his nappy, that he did!
Sticking my ass out? Check. Speaking in French? Check. K, is everybody looking at me now? Where's the mic?
Well, folks, we've got a week of rain here in the Big Apple which means it's bloggin' weather. I've got a James-Taylor-inspired Pandora station happening as I write this, so I'm ready to make up for lost time. I have to start off with a shout out to Nathan in Ireland, my blog's first follower other than, well, myself. You've officially doubled my readership and the number of continents I'm reaching so 'tanks a bunch.
I've recently discovered that Brothers & Sisters is on instant play on Netflix which is a game changer in my mission to catch up on movies that I should have seen but haven't yet. One of my brother's friends lent me Amelie and The Royal Tenenbaums because as I impressed him with my breadth of film knowledge (why yes, I can distinguish between the ginger child actor in Love Actually and Freddie Highmore), he told me about his 5 favorite talkies and these two were not yet crossed off my cinephile bucket list. The verdict? Loved Amelie, fell asleep for the third time during Royal Tenenbaums. I've decided that like potato salad, no matter how many times I try Wes Anderson I'm just not going to like him. I kind of liked Rushmore (well, mostly I liked the inclusion of "Ooh La La" by The Faces) so maybe there's still hope for Wes Anderson (and potato salad.. like one infused with bacon or something).
Anyway, my brother's friend's drunken enthusiasm for me to watch these movies inspired me to use my Netflix subscription to continue my film education, filling the void that has become more apparent as I reach my college graduation's one year anniversary. Now, I'm limited to the instant watch because I keep forgetting to bring Casino home from work, so I've now saved up 49 critically-acclaimed flicks in the instant queue. Then lo and behold, what does Netflix recommend based on my interest in emotional, family-based, often-politically-themed, wine-fueled television dramas but my old friend, Brothers & Sisters. How do they know?! Sorry, Schindler, but you just got bumped from the top of my list. Apocalypse Now? Try Apocalypse later. The 400 Blows? You said it. Make room for the Walker family.
Right now I'm on episode 6 which begins with Nora (the Walker family matriarch, played by Sally Field) and Kitty (her emaciated youngest daughter, played by Calista Flockhart) waking up during the night to the sound of someone breaking into the house. I know immediately that it isn't a stranger but someone who knows them because if you knew the Walkers, you would stop at nothing to get inside that house and be part of their family. Believe me, if I were a fictional character, I would tunnel my way into the wine cellar with a spork, hide in one of their 13 spare bedrooms (Nora Walker makes bin Laden's digs look like a suite at the Dogpatch, U.S.A. Super 8), and then during the night hypnotize one of them into marrying me (which I'm pretty sure is exactly what Rebecca did once Justin found out she wasn't actually his half-sister... draaaa-muh). Turns out, the supposed intruder was Tommy Walker, the eldest of Nora's sons who ran away to Mexico after embezzling funds from their family produce business, Ojai Foods. Tommy's character is a grade-A douche bag. The only thing I hate more than Tommy is the name of the actor who plays his character: Balthazar Getty. And the only thing I hate more than that is the scar on his eyebrow. Fuck you, Balthazar.
Here are the reasons why the Walkers rule:
1. They have the most intense family dinner parties at least once-a-week, to my knowledge (I'm not sure what their schedules are like during the summer hiatus). About 45 minutes into the episode, they've all gathered at Nora's house for a beautifully prepared dinner that won't be eaten because Rebecca thinks Justin is too distracted by med school to focus on their wedding (seriously, where are his priorities? maybe he's distracted by the fact that for six months he thought you were his sister), Scotty thinks Kevin is pressuring him to adopt a baby, oh and Kitty has cancer. Sarah is just awesome all the time. Even though she kind of looks like a duck, she still scored this hot French guy, and you know why? Because she's a Walker. Anyway, at this point about half the table throws down their napkins and storms off, and the other half...
2. ... grabs another bottle of wine. Which leads me to reason #2 why the Walkers dominate: they are drunk all the time (yes, Calista Flockhart, "sips" will get you shitfaced if your diet consists of apple skins and chewing on a rawhide bone). The Walker family expanded Ojai Foods with a new business: Walker Landing, a winery using Ojai's grapes. Their family alone could make the new venture profitable with a Mother's Day brunch. How do you think everyone gets the nerve to speak their minds at the dinner party after a 45-minute (excluding commercials) lead-up? Wine. How do they calm their nerves after storming away from the table/waiting awkwardly for someone to pass the garlic knots? Wine. And how do they get their children to eat their vegetables? Wine.
Did I mention her dinner parties
are the BEST?!
3. Rob Lowe.
4. Besides my own mom (who never lets me step foot on a plane without a couple of mini Tanquerrays in tow), Nora Walker is the best mom ever. Sally Field positively steals the show. She gets arrested for smoking a doobie. She tells her kids when she gets laid. Her love interests include both Danny Glover and Chevy Chase. And she throws the booziest, scariest dinner parties ever. She is a domestic primetime powerhouse. Besides being a badass, though, (like my own mom) she is totally nurturing and adorable. I cried the first two episodes of season 4, then almost made it through the third without shedding a tear, and then Sally Field steps in for 2 minutes with her gardening gloves and turkey meatloaf telling Uncle Saul about how Kitty has cancer and forget it, it's over. Waterworks.
5. They will kick your family's ass at game night:
Tommy, of course, embarrasses the family name.
But I would watch a Jurassic Park re-make with Kevin Walker playing every character.
Now I just found out this week that B&S has not been picked up for another season, so if my readership expands beyond Nathan and myself to the higher-ups at ABC, consider this my plea to keep this deliciously guilty pleasure on air. And if not, then I raise my glass to the Walkers and say farewell. I'll see you in syndication.
